So You Want to Have a Challenging Conversation: A Dialogic Skills & Practices Toolkit

“The times are urgent, let us slow down.”

-Bayo Akomolafe

This toolkit was developed by the Office of Equity & Inclusion in collaboration with campus partners to provide the UMass Amherst community with an opportunity to learn and practice dialogic skills.

As with all educational offerings, please feel very welcome to take only what serves and resonates! Check in with yourself, asking “What do I need at this moment? What am I ready to receive? What am I prepared to offer?” and accepting the answers that your inner wisdom provides.

It is our sincere hope that this toolkit can function as an invitation and a trailhead for anyone seeking paths to deepen into right relationship with themselves and others.

Download a Print PDF of the Dialogic Skills Toolkit

To print, reference, and share this toolkit, please download and print this PDF version.

What Is (and Isn’t) Dialogue?

While many communication modalities share common features, such as the presence of multiple voices or viewpoints, dialogue is unique in both function and form. Some different forms of discourse include…

Monologue	Discussion	Debate	Dialogue
While there may be multiple participants, only one voice is heard or prioritized. The voices amplified in monologue often belong to those who already occupy a position of power or authority, or who may simply feel more comfortable being assertive.	Multiple participants and voices, with the goal of deconstructing and examining ideas, persuading others, and creating shared agreement about the topic being discussed.	Multiple participants and voices, with the aim of overcoming others’ ideas, “winning”, or being seen as objectively “right”. Neither agreement nor understanding is necessarily a goal.	Multiple participants and voices, with the shared objective of collaboratively moving toward mutual understanding. Agreement from all parties is not an explicit goal.

Dialogue is further differentiated from other types of communication by the core values that inspire and shape it. The most generative dialogues often take place in a “brave space” container which…

Encourages all participants to be honest, authentic, direct, and clear
Establishes some shared communication norms or guidelines
Invites deep reflection and vulnerability in the service of connection
Acknowledges that discomfort is both inevitable and productive

The Importance of Self Reflection BEFORE Dialogue

Tools for Being IN Dialogue

"Dialogue is the opportunity available to me to open up to the thinking of others, and thereby not wither away in isolation.”
Paulo Freire

Each unique dialogue will benefit from different structures, strategies, and environments based on the relationship of the people participating and the content of the dialogue itself. Regardless of your existing level of knowledge about or experience with dialogue, we encourage all community members to explore a menu of different dialogic frameworks and tools! Give yourself and others permission to learn through experience and experimentation, trying out different strategies and practicing a variety of skills.

This toolkit provides an introduction to four widely used tools, and the links provided can help you learn more about these and others!

TOOL #1: Communication Norms & Community Agreements

Co-creating specific guidelines and agreements for a dialogue can help to make the implicit explicit, reinforce the importance of reciprocity, and offer participants clarity about what to expect in the conversation. Office of Equity & Inclusion workshops often begin with setting norms and guidelines, which include…

LISTEN ACTIVELY: We will seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
ASSUME GOOD INTENT: If we are unsure of meaning or intent, we will ask directly for clarification.
ALLOW AUTHENTICITY: We will permit ourselves and each other to be unpolished and speak “in the first draft”.
SPEAK FROM THE “I” PERSPECTIVE: We will avoid the universal “we/us” and take ownership of our opinions.
OPEN UP TO DISCOMFORT: We will remember that ‘uncomfortable’ does not always equal ‘unsafe’.
LISTEN WITH RESILIENCE: We will hang in there even when something is challenging to hear or understand.
HONOR CONFIDENTIALITY: Stories stay, learning leaves. We will not share others’ experiences without their consent.
EXPECT AND ACCEPT A LACK OF CLOSURE: We will remember that dialogue is a dynamic, ongoing process and that we can return to the container as needed.

TOOL #2: Simple Formula for Difficult Conversations

This straightforward approach, as framed by human sexuality and relationship expert Reid Mihalko, is an excellent starting point for folks seeking to utilize some simple elements of self-reflection and dialogic practice in charged moments.

After taking some time to independently reflect and prepare, explicitly name:
- What you don’t want to happen – your worries, concerns, and fears about what might happen during or as a result of the conversation
- What you do want to happen – your hopes and desires regarding specific actions and behaviors during and after the conversation
Next, after sharing your objectives, needs, and requests, invite the other party to reflect and reciprocate, collaboratively constructing and defining this specific dialogic container.
Finally, working within this mutually-designed framework, begin to share the content of what needs to be discussed; perhaps utilizing elements of the other frameworks suggested in this resource.

“[We] often hate each other because we fear each other; we fear each other because we don't know each other; we don't know each other because we cannot communicate; we cannot communicate because we are separated.”
-Martin Luther King Jr.

TOOL #3: The LARA Method

LARA is an acronym that reminds us of a series of steps to support dialogue. These steps may be repeated within the context of a single dialogue, and can help provide participants with a scaffolding to support active listening. LARA stands for…

LISTEN with curiosity and without judgement, seeking first to understand before seeking to be understood
AFFIRM some part of what was said, paraphrasing back what you heard and expressing appreciation (if genuinely felt!)
REFLECT on your own reaction to what was said, remembering the goal of mutual understanding and recognizing any emotional reactions that arise in response to what has been shared
RESPOND directly to any specific questions and concerns raised, taking care to stay on-topic, use “I” statements, and avoid universalizing your individual thoughts and opinions
ADD your own perspective, using the language of “yes, and” instead of “but” to maintain connection to shared hopes and objectives for the conversation
ASK a genuine question rooted in curiosity, demonstrating your desire to learn and understand the other person’s perspective

TOOL #4: The Art of Mindful Inquiry

In The Art of Mindful Facilitation, writer, filmmaker, and diversity educator Lee Mun Wah explores generative ways to connect across differences. He offers the following “9 Healthy Ways to Communicate” when in dialogue…

Reflect back what is being said. Use their words, not yours.
Begin where they are, not where you want them to be.
Be curious and open to what they are trying to say.
Notice what they are saying and what they are not.
Emotionally relate to how they are feeling. Nurture the relationship.
Notice how you are feeling. Be honest and authentic.
Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or misunderstanding.
Try to understand how their past affects who they are and how those experiences affect their relationship with you.
Stay with the process and the relationship, not just the solution.

Questions for Reflection:

Which of the approaches, tools, and resources described in this section feel most immediately useful to you?
Do any of the tools feel daunting and/or less accessible than the others? Why do you think this might be?

In order to fully lean into the norms and values that support “brave space” dialogue, it can be helpful to reflect on your own identities, experiences, positionality, relational strengths, and individual growth areas prior to beginning the dialogue. In addition to informing how you enter the conversation, taking the time to reflect beforehand can also help you feel more confident in your ability to regulate your emotions and communicate effectively during the dialogue.

Consider some of the following questions as a starting point:

How do I tend to react when I feel challenged, defensive, confused, or otherwise uncomfortable?
Where do my ideas and values regarding communication and conflict come from? What formative messages did I receive from my culture or family of origin?
Which of my identities or critical life experiences feel particularly salient when I think about the topic of this dialogue? Why might this be?
Which strategies help me to withhold judgement and open up to new perspectives?
Which practices support me in soothing (or at least tolerating!) strong emotions when I feel activated?

The Importance of Self Reflection AFTER Dialogue

Practice with a Friend!

“There is a conversation in the room that only these people at this moment can have. Find it.”
-adrienne maree brown

Regular hands-on practice with the dialogue and reflection frameworks presented in this toolkit is essential to integrating them into your personal and professional life. We encourage you to find a trusted friend or colleague with whom you can begin trying out some of these skills, especially any that feel particularly new and/or challenging to you!

To get started, talk through any of the Questions for Reflection offered throughout this toolkit, or begin with the additional prompts below. We encourage learners to begin each dyadic dialogue by responding to the question(s) aloud and asking the listener to reflect back what they’ve heard, paraphrasing the speaker in their own words, before switching roles and repeating the process. This may feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice, the more natural it will become to communicate using dialogic principles and practices!

Practice Prompts:

Consider a time when a challenging conversation did not go as smoothly as you’d hoped. What happened? What do you wish had happened? Why do you think this particular conversation was so challenging?
What are some topics of conversation that tend to make you feel activated – nervous, guarded, angry, threatened, etc.? (Note: you do not need to actually discuss the content of these topics themselves – just name broad categories!) Are there certain people or spaces that help you feel MORE comfortable engaging in dialogue about these topics? What makes some conversational containers feel more supportive than others?
Can you think of a time when you felt understood without judgement, especially if this empathy was unexpected? What did the other person do to show you that they understood you? What did this feel like? How did this impact your relationship?

Resources for Continued Learning

Want to host an OEI workshop in your area?

The Office of Equity & Inclusion’s Education & Development team is available to facilitate synchronous workshops for teams, departments, and units on the content covered in this toolkit series.

If you would like to host an interactive workshop on Dialogic Skills & Practices in your area, please complete our Intake Form and a member of the E&D team will reach out to schedule your session!

Go to our Intake Form Go to our Intake Form

Thanks and Acknowledgments

The Office of Equity & Inclusion is grateful to all our campus partners who contributed to the creation of this toolkit, particularly the Community, Democracy, and Dialogue working group and the Intergroup Dialogue Initiative.

Special thanks to: Fouad Abd-Al-Khalick, Ebru Kardan, John Kennedy, Marsha McGriff, David Mednicoff, Dave Neely, Tony Paik, Shelly Perdomo-Ahmed, M Peterson, Cheryl Ponder, Louis Waibel, Linda Ziegenbein, and Ximena Zúñiga.

This toolkit was authored by Charlotte Elwell, Pia Furkan, Penn Pritchard, and Cas Rego-Martin.