Home / Summer Table of Contents
As
news of the deaths of two fraternity pledges on other campuses, as well
as one of our own UMass students, came horribly to light last fall, a circle
of realization and enlightenment finally closed for me. You see, I pledged
a fraternity here at UMass almost twenty years ago. At long last, in the
wake of these most recent and highly publicized tragedies, I was finally
able to say to myself, and others, "That could have been me! Why am
I still here? Why am I still alive?"
Prior to that moment of clarity, I suppose I had rationalized my repeated
flirtations with disaster by convincing myself that I just "had it
goin' on," that I was smarter, more level-headed, that I could hold
my liquor better than others. What is most confusing to me now is that
it never occured to me that luck, an uncanny streak of good fortune, was
the one and only thing that kept me from becoming another statistic. Before,
I thought that drinking large quantities of alcohol was simply an aspect
of frat and college life. But death isn't. Here, now, I realized that it
was, for those unlucky enough, and it could have been for me.
These needless deaths stimulated some chilling recollections of my fraternity
experience. Suddenly memories that were merely amusing and mildly embarrassing
were downright disturbing. I recalled the lost days, drunk driving, plummeting
GPA, and social faux pas. I recalled how enhanced prestige was bestowed
on those who engaged in all manner of questionable behaviors, including
disrespect for women, anti-Semitism, urinating in unlikely places, chronic
class-cutting, and so on. Throughout, the fuel that powered these immature
behaviors was alcohol. If the beer ran out, the party was over.
My first party as a "new brother" bears a frightening similarity
to the circumstances surrounding the two fraternity deaths last fall, and
could very well have had the same outcome. Excitement and anxiety ran high
throughout the pledge period, and although we were not required to do anything
degrading or disgusting during our initiation, my pledgemates and I were
relieved when the ceremony was finally over. At last, we were full-fledged
Brothers! However, there were requirements yet to be fulfilled. And so,
the drinking began. We were each handed large plastic beer cups that held
a vile and potent alcoholic concoction, roughly the equivalent of four
or five bar shots in volume, and told to chug this stuff, all at once.
We happily complied. After all, we were still giddy from our recent passage
into "the brotherhood." How could we possibly refuse?
Several of my fellow new brothers bolted out into the parking lot instantly,
to vomit. Others of us somehow managed to withstand this first round. However,
as I continued to drink beer after beer, throughout the night, the alcohol
caught up to me as well. I ended up so violently ill that the small blood
vessels around my eyes burst, making me look like a vanquished prize fighter.
The episode was so intense that I continued to feel the effects for four
days. I vividly remember sitting at my desk, trying to get some homework
done, when I got so dizzy that my roommate had to accompany me to Health
Services. There I was diagnosed as suffering the after-effects of alcohol
poisoning.
Fortunately, I recovered, but this was not to be the last time I would
take similar chances with alcohol. I firmly believe that the attitudes
about drinking cultivated at the fraternity shaped my entire outlook on
social interaction for years to come. But the question remains: why did
it take me so long to realize that I was truly gambling with my well-being,
with my very life? I'm afraid I still don't have the answer to that one.
I'm left with the question.
Aldous Huxley once said, "Experience isn't what happens to you; experience
is what you do with what happens to you." Through the mysterious workings
of providence, I'm still here to finally "do" something constructive
with these memories, and it is my hope that I, and those with similar experiences,
can somehow guide others away from these unnecessary risks. After all,
there are so many negative, potentially fatal forces at work in the world,
things we have no control overdoesn't it make sense to control those things
within our grasp?
-photo by Thomas Kendall
