Top 10 Ways to be an American Tourist Abroad

1. Never listen to local music or the sounds of local life – wear a headset and listen only to the music you brought with you at all times. 

2. Avoid native food.  There are now MacDonald’s restaurants everywhere in the world – try to find one for each meal.

3. If you are served native food by accident, DO NOT TASTE IT!  Ask the kitchen to bring you a plate of plain spaghetti with butter only.

4. Don’t speak to locals.  This is easier if you make no effort to learn any words in the language of the country you are in.  (Don’t worry, they won’t speak to you because you have the headset on (see item #1).

5. If people don’t understand your English, talk louder and be more strident and demanding.

6. Try to dress in a manner that makes you stand out in a crowd. Make every attempt to be provocative and then complain about the negative attention you are receiving.

7. Flaunt your wealth. Wear expensive jewelry, clothing, and shoes and carry big wads of local cash – the value of which you are unsure.

8. Use a credit card with a huge American Flag design on it. Keep it in your Gucci bag when not actually buying the Gucci bag.

9. Make sure you and your friends dominate the foreground of all of your photographs from the trip.  This is what the folks back home expect to see – don’t disappoint.

10. Don’t respect local norms and customs.  Try to be extra loud and obnoxious as you do this and look offended when you are noticed.

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