1. Never listen to local music or the sounds of local
life – wear
a headset and listen only to the music you brought with you at
2. Avoid native food. There are now MacDonald’s
restaurants everywhere in the world – try to find one for each
3. If you are served native food by accident, DO NOT
TASTE IT! Ask
the kitchen to bring you a plate of plain spaghetti with butter
4. Don’t speak to locals. This is easier
if you make no effort to learn any words in the language of the country
you are in. (Don’t worry, they won’t speak to you
because you have the headset on (see item #1).
5. If people don’t understand your English,
talk louder and be more strident and demanding.
6. Try to dress in a manner that makes you stand out
in a crowd. Make every attempt to be provocative and then complain
about the negative attention you are receiving.
7. Flaunt your wealth. Wear expensive jewelry, clothing,
and shoes and carry big wads of local cash – the value of which
you are unsure.
8. Use a credit card with a huge American Flag design
on it. Keep it in your Gucci bag when not actually buying the Gucci
9. Make sure you and your friends dominate the foreground
of all of your photographs from the trip. This is what the folks
back home expect to see – don’t disappoint.
10. Don’t respect local norms and customs. Try
to be extra loud and obnoxious as you do this and look offended when
you are noticed.