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Bill Maher on Airport Security

Here's part of the transcript for Politically Incorrect for Friday, January 18, 2001. There is great wisdom here as well as humor.

Let me start off tonight with a note of sympathy for anyone who may have flown on a commercial airliner today, because today, the Aviation Security Act went into effect, and, well, tighter security and extra screening take time.
For one thing, a man tends to stand very still when a dog's got its nose on your bag.
[ Laughter ]
Now, the real problem here is that our leadership doesn't have the backbone to ask us to sacrifice.
You know, for fear that their approval rating will slip all the way down to the high 80s.
[ Light laughter ]
They won't even exhort people to do the few simple things that will make this experience easier for all of us, so let me.

Rule One --
pack less!
[ Applause ]
Hello? The less you take, the less they have to look at, the faster it goes for everybody.
You are not Mr. And Mrs. Howell.
[ Laughter ]
Decide what you're going to wear before the trip.
Don't just take the entire closet.
If you need 24 pairs of shoes for a weekend, you're a drag queen.
[ Laughter and applause ]

Rule Two --
You know you're going to be walking through a metal detector, so don't show up dressed like the tin man.
[ Laughter ]
Leave your cowboy shirt with the snaps, your pewter belt, your steel-toed work boots, your vulva ring --
[ Light laughter ]
and the bra with the underwire at home.
Don't be like the moron who stalls the supermarket line to write a check for Chapstick.
[ Laughter ]
And get rid of the pocket change.
Give it to a bum.
Give it to the phony nun at the curb.
Throw it in the gutter.
If you really need a sticky fistful of coins that badly, maybe you should skip the trip and go back to work.
[ Laughter and applause ]

Rule Three --
Don't bring along things you know will arouse suspicion.
The bazooka-shaped blow-dryer.
[ Laughter ]
The hand-grenade paperweight.
Anything with a fuse.
Leave the big, round scented candle at home.
It's okay.
You'll still be a lesbian when you get there.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Remember that all of your stupid toys --
the Gameboy, the disc player, the Watchman and that special toy for women --
[ Laughter ]
--they all look like bombs to the G.E.D. hopeful asleep at the X-ray machine.
And the only carry-ons allowed should be a book, diapers and insulin.
[ Laughter ]

You know, we talk a lot about community now in America, but talk is cheap.
This is a real chance for us to demonstrate community, to do and not just talk it, because being a lazy or dumb traveler now impacts everybody.
It makes everybody wait.
Remember, you're getting on an airplane.
It's not a restaurant.
It's not a movie theater.
It's not a singles bar.
It's an airplane.
We're all just trying to get from point "A" to point "B" before that crying baby in 3C graduates from college.
So get with the program!

[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And if there's anything --
if there's anything we can do to make your flight more convenient, please keep it to yourself!


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