LISTENING TO OUR CHILDREN
Remember the old adage "Children are to be seen not heard." Many adults were raised by this principle and find it difficult to adapt to today's new attitude that it is considered helpful to your child's development for them to "be heard."
Many parents feel that it is their task to "civilize" their offspring. Hence they are often evaluating, judging, criticizing, moralizing, admonishing and commanding. Although they are well intentioned in their efforts, they manage to cut off two-way communication between themselves and their children. Listening to your child is critically important to establishing clear open communication.
Many adults have taken seminars on "active listening" in the workplace to improve their communication skills with their coworkers. Active listening is every bit as important with our children. This kind of listening does not imply permissiveness, rather real love, a desire to hear what your child has to say, an intent to be helpful and a genuine ability to accept your child's feelings.
If you , as a parent can listen and respond with appropriate verbal and nonverbal feedback, communicating a nonjudgmental acceptance, a stronger bond will develop between you and your child.. You will see your child less troubled by difficult feelings. Your child will learn by your example and be more willing to listen to your thoughts and ideas. He/she will feel more confident and able to think through problem solving situations.
Children need parents to model appropriate ways of relating to others. Listening to your child will help them develop good interactive skills with their peers. They may be more genuinely concerned about the thoughts and feelings of other children, be able to listen to their friends and be more considerate and polite with others.
The greatest gift you can give your child is your "quality time"- time in which you will have the opportunity to hear your child's thoughts and feelings. Intimacy, touching and communicating all take time. You can establish special times with your children , for example, at bed time, by going out for a special lunch or dinner at a restaurant the child has chosen, or taking your child to a museum or park.
Parents are their child's first and most important teacher. Your reinforcement for positive interaction and gentle consistent corrections when needed, will help your child develop a strong sense of self that will help carry him/her more comfortably forward into adulthood.
Last updated August 19, 2000.