Divorce or separation from a loved one always scores near the top in scientific studies of life's most stressful events. Why is breaking up so extraordinarily stressful? Whether you are the one who leaves, or the one who is left, the disruption may be intense. Your world is turned upside down all at once. Everything familiar has changed. Suddenly you must cope with many different problems, yet the person you would usually count on for support isn't there anymore.

Most people going through a separation or divorce don't expect the intense reactions they experience. Their feelings may change from day to day or even moment to moment. People may feel grief or sadness, loneliness, confusion, fear, anger or a wide range of other conflicting emotions.

There are stages of grief as described in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Death and Dying such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People, however, do not move through these stages in an orderly fashion, but tend to move in and out of them in a maddeningly random order.

The initial decision to separate and the beginning stages of separation are never easy. In separating, something major is lost. The loss is certainly the loss of a partner, but it is much more. It is the loss of a love, a dream, and perhaps what has seemed like a secure future. The only thing that remains certain is that nothing will ever be the same again.

Getting through these phases of grief is painful and draining, but there are some basic survival tips that can help to keep you in balance.

Survival Tip #1: You are not going crazy and your extreme mood swings are probably not manic depression. In fact, what you are going through is normal and natural. Give yourself permission to feel and, at times, to feel very bad. Trying to avoid or deny the pain will usually prolong the intense feelings or cause them to surface at a later time in a variety of ways that are destructive to others and to yourself.

Survival Tip #2: Give yourself permission to function at less than optimal level for a period of time. Many of us feel we are supermen or superwomen and always try to do our best in every circumstance. At this point in time, you may not be able to do your best. You are hurting and your life is changing. You may not be able to care for others in quite the same way you are accustomed to doing. For the moment, you may need to focus on self-care and self-nurturing before you can continue to give more to your family or your job. Perhaps for the first time in your life, allow yourself to function less than optimally (and in some cases, to be less than perfect). You need and deserve this break in order to regroup and re-energize. This will change.

Survival Tip #3: Don't try to fully understand what is going on-at least not yet. In the beginning, feelings are usually so intense that cognitive processing is hampered or confused. You may find yourself asking "why?" a million times a day. This rumination may cause you to feel like you are hitting yourself over the head. The result--no greater understanding and a sore head. In addition, memory problems may occur. These changes are temporary. As time passes, your thoughts will clear and you will probably be more able to understand fully what has occurred. Unfortunately, even with greater understanding, you may never fully agree with what has happened. Since cognitive processing may be less than optimal, it may be best to put off until a later date major decisions with long-term consequences.

Survival Tip #4: Try not to isolate yourself. You may be feeling hurt, betrayed, embarrassed, or ashamed. You may feel that you can never trust anyone again. You may feel terribly alone and that no one could possibly understand. Again, these feelings are normal and natural. You do not need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's okay to need comforting and to reach out for support and caring, even if you have rarely done so in the past! You may be surprised at how others respond. Consider contacting old friends or reaching out to a friend you haven't seen in awhile. Speak to a neighbor or co-worker. Use the telephone frequently for the comfort of a familiar voice. Speak to a priest, rabbi, or minister. They will usually accept, understand, and share affirmations and hope. Isolation at this time can be deadly; time spent with a friend can have a powerful healing effect.

Survival Tip #5: The converse--no matter how scared and alone you feel--be careful of leaping into another relationship. You need time to breathe, to think, and to heal as you may find yourself repeating old patterns.

Sometimes these tips may not feel like enough to get you through this difficult time. The Faculty Staff Assistance Program is available to you. A licensed counselor can help you sort out feelings and problems you may be experiencing. The service is confidential and without cost. Please call 545-0350 if you would like to make an appointment.