At best, they could start with a facilitated discussion about the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats facing the business in the 1,3,5,10 years ahead (aka SWOT analysis). You could find a local facilitator through your state's Small Business Development Center, or ask your local chamber or family business program). From the SWOT, you could form a strategic plan that gears your objectives and goals to the longer term mission and vision of the company. This will lend itself towards the job descriptions, performance evaluations, compensation strategies, goals for return on investment, etc., that are the proper policies for any company. Each of those items is an interlocking big step towards creating a system of doing business that will take a lot of conflict and heartache out of the mix. A more advanced step is to form a board of advisors, made up not only of family members, but also interested outside experts, ranging from some of your service providers to local owners of other companies, business faculty, or people expert in some area in which you are looking to perfect yourself (customer service, quality, internet marketing). I am continuously amazed at the number of companies that do all of this very little, and still manage to muddle through, often making small fortunes (and often making small fortunes out of large fortunes).

If your husband and his family started down this road, there would be no looking back.

You may feel that you have no choices, and are obliged to continue on this unsatisfying path. But I urge you to consider that if this is not a win/win for you and your parents, it is everyone's loss, not just yours. Whether or not your parents can see that they have an obligation to allow you to pursue a meaningful career, whether in another company, or in an improved situation in the family business, it is incumbent on all of you to make it happen. You might consider making them a very sensitively but assertively worded ultimatum: that your long term plan is to pursue a career that is rewarding, either in or out of their company. This will not happen overnight, so discuss with them a Plan A and Plan B. Plan A would be a process of discovering what aspect of the family business might be a match for your strengths and interests, and pursue that for one year, and reassess. If at the end of one year, you are as pessimistic as now, consider Plan B, which is you pursuing other jobs, or a venture of your own. If they will not speak with you about it at all, consider that a big clue that Plan A is not likely to occur. You have no obligation to be a prisoner of your family business.

This all assumes that there is a type of work out there that would excite and interest you more, and that is something you must honestly contemplate before leaving. There are good assessment tools for this sort of reflections, among them the book "Now Discover Your Strengths" by Marcus Buckingham.

You have described a situation where everybody's point of view is completely understandable, yet not all are at all acceptable.

This could be a happy story except for the disregard you are receiving from what seems like a minority of your father's employees. You like your job and are succeeding in a measurable way. Your father is paying you what you have earned, and not treating the company like a safety net. You have discovered talents that are certainly transferable to many sorts of companies. You have survived a trial by fire, and earned the respect of several people who were skeptical.

Many adult children working for founding parents face exactly what you're facing, and live with scorn, jealousy and resentment. And many of those adult children don't do enough to disprove their reputation (harder to disprove in cases where it's deserved).

To cut to the chase, I would hope that you can clarify for yourself and your parents how disturbing it is to be treated badly by people who owe the business owning family more respect and diplomacy. Would these irritated workers treat any new employee like they're treating you, or are you being discriminated against because they think you are being favored? Are they so unaware of how they are creating a hostile work environment? Are they unaware of how this hostile attitude reflects on them as workers? Are they so unable to restrain themselves and act professionally?

I 'd suggest you sit down with your parents for a serious discussion of the conditions you need changed with all due haste. While it's admirable your father has not discriminated in your favor, he needs to "have your back" to ensure specific fairness to you and to protect the greater good in your company. If he will not defend his daughter from this behavior, he might not defend a non family member who will sue for a hostile work environment.

Also, it would be good if you and your parents could focus on a set of principles and policies that are necessary to sustain a professional and profitable company. If a salesman insists that you not contact his customer, he could be protecting a customer that is not paying promptly. He could be protecting himself from the due diligence that your company is entitled to perform. In an exceptional case, if that salesman would agree to comply with appropriate measures to monitor accounts receivable, you'd be achieving the desired goal. But to allow your employee (whether technically consultant, contractor, or hourly earner, no matter) to bluster his way around policy, say no.

And if there are problems caused by even Vice Presidents, work to create policies that indicate that the highest goals of the company are to increase shareholder value, eliminate waste, and become as sustainable as possible. These practices will create long term employment for all, not short term avoidance of confronting key managers.

I would suggest you have some responsibility here to grow yourself as a leader. There are various ways in which the next generation needs to "step up to the plate," either financially, managerially, or to deal with the 800 pound gorilla. If you take the gorilla by the horns, it may surprise everyone that the owner's daughter has what it takes to be the next boss. (and if not, it will make it clearer that this is not the place to come every day).

You can do all of this with a smile, and the satisfaction of knowing you have improved the company that provided for you, your family, and your employees.

Hope this helps.

From Family Business Magazine's "Ask the Experts" Column

Reprinted by permission of the publisher from Family Business Magazine, Summer 2004, www.familybusinessmagazine.com

Q: We own a manufacturing operation with about 160 employees. Dad is not active now, and I'm the person responsible. My sister runs a small branch distribution office. Her husband works out of that office as a salesperson. There are two other people in that office. We are reorganizing and plan to eliminate the two other office functions by moving them to the home office. My sister wants to hire her 23-year-old daughter, who has a two-year degree, to fill the soon-to-be-created position of office assistant. From everything I understand, this is not the right thing to do. However, my sister can't understand why. I have two sons about to exit college. My other sister has one son, now out of college, and three daughters still in school. The ex-husband of this sister used to work in our company before their divorce. We are not yet sure who else might want to join the business, but one of my sons, who will graduate with an industrial engineering degree next year, has expressed some interest. Is there a list of do1s and don1ts regarding employment of family members in a family business? I have not gotten around to documenting a family employment policy yet. I hope it is not too late. Any help along those lines would also be greatly appreciated.

A: While there is no "etched in stone, gifted from above" list of do's and don't's, many experts and wise owners suggest a set of professional policies that - while not ignoring the family relationships, set them aside- and raise the hiring bar enough so only the very fit will clear.

But blindly submitting your family to this rigor does not guarantee the family and business the health and wealth that is the implied reward.

Rather, there needs to be deep understanding and appreciation of the meaning and purpose of whatever rules and policies your family business sees fit to abide by. To deny a relative a job because she does not have a business education or prerequisite outside experience could seem biased and discriminatory if she could get a similar job in someone else's family business.

But if family members understood, through a deliberate and complete education process, that your company is a meritocracy and not an employment agency for family members; and that deserving relatives might have a leg up in landing a job, all else being equal in the hiring process (affirmative action for family, in essence), then you will attract the most talented of your family's talent pool, and maintain the morale of non family employees. By preemptively stating that your business has standards not bent for family, you may maintain the dignity of unskilled relatives, by warning them to not apply for jobs that are beyond them.

Great care must be taken to explain the wisdom of paying market wages, and separate from an owners ROI or worker's merit bonus; or family members will suffer the consequences of too little pay ("Someday this will all be yours"), equal pay ("I won't discuss that one child is more capable than another.") or too much pay ("Here's a huge allowance - I hope you love me."). Properly done, your family members will respect the rights and responsibilities of the company, which is a sacred Golden Goose that must not be slaughtered to feed gluttons.

If your family belief is "family members must be twice as good to get half the credit" it should not derive from a lack of appreciation, as much as going a bit overboard to define the work ethic required by all. If you see the benefit to make decisions that are strategic, fair, and objective, you might see the benefit of outside boards, search committees, performance evaluations, compensation policies, even if you're sure you could do it all on the fly.

The time spent to aculturate family members into the values and beliefs that will help sustain the business is a valuable investment that will increase profits and respect, and protect against heartache and red ink.

This "Dear Ira" Q&A is reprinted from Family Business Magazine, which offers our readers the special discounted rate of $57 (new subscribers only—not for subscription renewals.) This special pricing (regularly $95 per year) is a value-added benefit of our newsletter and/or center membership. See www.familybusinessmagazine.com for more info, or call (800) 637-4464, Ext. 6072. YOU NEED TO MENTION YOU WERE REFERRED BY THE UMass Amherst Family Business Center TO RECEIVE THIS SPECIAL PRICING!

This is just one more variety of shocks to the system of the newly hired. Many times, in either family business or public company, it is much easier to hire someone to accomplish a task than it is to let them do it. Many new employees find themselves in a rut or back office, with promises made on the back burner.

You may sit down with the owner and all concerned to review what you considered your agreed upon goals, and what it will take to get there. Remind him of the cost of bringing you in, and what you left behind for this opportunity. Compare and contrast the road maps of achieving these goals, versus not, and ask him if he truly prefers to end up where he seems to be headed without the agreed upon changes.

Explain to him that you took this job for the challenge of making changes and improvements, and preventing what you both saw as the result of doing nothing. Decide together whether the terms of your hiring would be met, or not. Be prepared to leave if he is not prepared to keep you on your terms.

Is it typical? It's probably typical of this company and this man. Not of every company or everybody.

I have more questions than answers. Your answers are more helpful than mine, in getting you and your husband to do what is best.

What are everyone's goals? Are they in conflict with one another, or can most of them be achieved for mutual satisfaction?

How would you feel about buying into this company if you had no history, and were not family? What is the costs and benefits of being family?

Are you staying in the business to keep your family relationships intact? Is that the best or only way to accomplish this?

Do the numbers show that this business is viable and profitable, or at least could be in a "most likely case" scenario?

Could your brother be happy and productive elsewhere, or is the company a nest he is not capable of flying out of, if he so chooses?

If you could look 5 or 10 years in the future, would you prefer to see yourself in a totally different situation? What do you have to do today and very soon to make this happen?

There is a good reason why most businesses fail, and most of those failures (like most businesses) are family owned and operated. Many that don't fail are kept artificially alive on the life support system known as throwing good money after bad. Ask yourself the tough questions to determine if this is your situation, and if that is a life you want to live (maybe it is!!).

I notice certain recurring themes in all these letters, and one more is that the afflicted family business member asks what can be done to remedy a situation that has gotten so uncomfortably out of hand that they can't stand it anymore, and must leave to stop the string of broken promises, investment going down the tubes, misbehavior and poor performance (of others), and excusing of that misbehavior and poor performance (of others). The two part problem is often (1) how to I fix it? and (2) why bother, if I'm leaving? So in your case, too... if you've had enough, will you bother fixing? In describing the problem, you seem cognizant of what must be done. But it's all Monday morning quarterbacking. Unless you stay and can somehow persuade others to do what is required; and then enjoy the fruits of your labors. Those labors are: questioning what has been done, why it was done, and making everyone understand why it must be undone, as follows:

• What was the return on investment for the investors?
• What in a business plan led them to believe they could achieve that return?
• What was in it for the inventor? What did he/she actually own?
• What was the job description and continuing role of the inventor? Why would poor sales reflect on him, making him the scapegoat?
• Why was your father's friend made the president? What did he bring to the table?
• What were the expectations, terms, measures of success for all involved? How were those factors derived?
• What equity position was promised you? Was it described in a legally binding agreement?
• How was it determined that the company needed the specific people it brought in as sales manager and other salespeople?
• What was the feedback mechanism to evaluate performance, and determine continued employment?
• What strength does the board of directors have to stem the bleeding, replace management, make major decisions?
• How big is the pot of gold, and how does one get their hands on it in a way that is good both for the company and its shareholders?
• How is that pot of gold protected from those who should not have access?
• How do you get everyone to sit down and discuss all these questions?

I wish you all the best, and strength to do what will make you proud, resolved, and fruitful.

There are many parts to this puzzle, and yet the picture formed is very familiar. You're in the good company of many a company in transition. There are some pieces that you don't bring up as problems, for instance: you don't state if your brother in law is OK not being named as an inheritor of any part of the business; or whether your husband and brother in law can work well together, or whether there is enough business to support another family member (or whether it can be grown to that point). But your two questions are:

Q: Should your father try harder to be heard with his professional advice?

A: I'd be surprised if your father's advice could be seen as impartial. Perhaps he could recommend a couple of arm's length colleagues of his, who- even if they charge- might be seen as more authoritative, not being family.

Q: How to convince a business owner to face death, or worse: not working anymore.

A: Though a loving intervention. If your husband and brother in law can come to a common understanding of how to achieve their many goals: business success, a healthy working relationship, professional policies towards ownership, compensation, etc; plus a realistic look at elder law and elder care issues, they can sit down with your parents and spell out for them what they need to happen in terms of parents having all the appropriate conversations, plans, legal documents. (I'd suggest they also sit down with your father's referral, for a "walk through" of the process your father in law might face). In discussion with your parents in law, the sons should make it clear that their priorities are business success, proper tax planning, the satisfaction, comfort and security of their parents, a legacy based on good strategy, foresight, and facing facts. Will this go well? Who knows? But this is the preparation that will increase your odds of people doing the right thing.

While I appreciate your concern with the issues of treating your father fairly, I can't see where you have been dealt a fair hand (as always, assuming that there is another side of the story with all sorts of different facts and figures, perspective, thoughts and feelings). Whether personal or business, relationships and transactions need a certain amount of good faith. If you were sold a business that you have more than quadrupled, and still cannot make the payments, and the seller (father or not) is chomping at the bit to come back in on a default on impossible terms, something is seriously amiss.

Furthermore, I cannot imagine what good is served by you still using your father's accountant, who seems to have more loyalty to him than to you. In the end, any CPA has the same master: the IRS and Generally Accepted Accounting Principles. But how about advisors who can help you watch your back? If I was in your situation, I'd be shopping for a new CPA tomorrow.

I agree with the concept of weaning away from meeting with your father- from your telling, he is no supporter. Whether or not you have the stomach or ethical flexibility to move the assets into a new corporation, you have to admit that you are playing poker with someone who tries to win at any cost.

While you may be very good at the business, and love every waking minute of building it up, your success is based on what you get to keep. You are still working for your father. If he wants to buy it back under similarly oppressive terms, you'd get to keep much more.

I wish you lots of luck in your dealings with your, but I caution you to be well represented in the negotiations by someone who has no vested interest in being loved by him.

Thank you very much for your response, and for the follow up. We have hired a new accountant, as of yesterday, and he assured us that he would not, under any circumstances, represent my father. One clarification, which only makes the situation worse: We have been able to make all of our payments, in full, to my father on a timely basis. And he is still trying to foreclose. I called a BK lawyer this morning, who I will consult with tomorrow. He asked how much our arrearage (sp?) with the father amounts to, and the answer is $0.00! Our accounts payable is running about net 60 days, and our creditors are not too rough on us. But we're out of cash, personally, to put into the thing....We have a couple of very important opportunities, and think that one new customer could be a potential buyer of the company. But you are so right, that we should be trying to keep what we can and move on if we can. I'll keep you posted about the resolution. Believe me, we are going to find an ethical solution that doesn't jeopardize our faith, which is our primary treasure.

I think they are not right or wrong. There are many factors that go into a decision to include or not include family members, and become multigenerational. There is no one thing called "family business," just like there is no one configuration called "snowflake." A few of the questions your parents might ask themselves are:

• Do we have a company that can support more family members?
• Do we enjoy working as a couple in a way that becoming multigenerational might disrupt?
• Are our children talented in a way that will make them successful and satisfied in our business?
• Do they get along with that "all for one; one for all" attitude that is so rare and so vital to siblings in business?
• Do we want to continue the company, thereby deciding to not sell it, and cash out?
• If we did pass on the company, would we have something else to do with our time; assuming our children would one day want their turn at the wheel?
• Is the idea of having a family business a turn-on or a turn-off?

After spending much of my life in business with my parents, and getting a pretty up-close look at many others, I would conclude that the main reason to work with family members is that you enjoy their company and are greater than the sum of the parts. If this is not the case, I'd ask myself if this is the best place to spend most of my waking life.

Hope this helps.